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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
Edward Scissorhands will never win a game of rock, paper, scissors.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
Which emoticon indicates the desire to cover someone with fire ants?
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
Apparently some strangers don’t need a hug.
TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there`s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Pretty impressed at petrol station today, as i was filling up, i heard woman with truck at next pump say is that Vin Diesel, I smiled, then realised she meant Van Diesel :-/