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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
I’m amazing in bed. I have the ability to stay there all day.
For someone who can`t put on a pair of socks without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
How strange, some guy just waved half of a peace sign at me...
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you