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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
I have to admit my heart broke a little when I heard the lady at Starbucks call the guy in line behind me "sweetie" too.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
Its hotter than a three peckered billy goat!
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: To propagate authoritarianism and generate revenue for the state? Cop: ...
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
If a$$holes could fly, this place would be an airport
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?