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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Every time I stop making bad decisions, I get more and more boring.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
Wife says to her husband, "You wanna change positions tonight?" He says, "Yeah!" she says, "OK, you do the dishes and I will sit on the couch and fart."
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.