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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
IM LOST! I`ve gone to look for my self. If u see me, tell me to wait here till I get back.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why i fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again..
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
You can`t fix stupid, but you can always drink more beer.
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
I guess today has been pretty good. I haven`t had to slap one single person yet....
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Why do grown ups pay to go to gyms to exercise on expensive equipment? Can`t we meet at a park after work and play tag until dark?
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says "cheers" so.... no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Just because I`m nodding my head at appropriate times while you`re talking doesn`t mean I give a sh!t about what you`re saying..
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.