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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I don’t just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Come on. Let`s all go and be happy in front of some miserable people
Here`s hoping the wind at your back doesn`t come from the corned beef and cabbage you had for lunch. Happy St. Patrick`s Day!
Being able to read minds would be incredible...but constantly hearing about how sexy and great I am would probably get old.
You seem to have a good grip on reality. You`re new here, aren`t you?
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I`m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
I accidentally opened the fitness app on my phone for the first time ever. It just began pointing at me & laughing.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.