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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Not many people can say their Batman wallet matches their underwear like I can.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.