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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
Own the day
I wish the Microsoft Paperclip would just pop up when I’m making a questionable decision for my life.
If I live to be 100, I`m gonna make up some fake reason why, just to mess with people. Like, I ate a pine cone, or drank olive oil every single day...
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
I can`t tell if I`m really nice but secretly an a$$hole or an a$$hole but secretly really nice.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
That frustrating feeling when the microwave trips the circuit breaker and you have no idea how much longer your lunch needs to be nuked.
You know, rumor has it that the Mona Lisa may have been the first selfie.
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.