Daily Silly Status

I think it`s safe to say that my 2 year old is definitely more excited to see the fire truck next door than my neighbor.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

Shout out to Pringles for never giving us a half can of air.

There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.

They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?

This status is mine....I licked it.

Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.

If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don`t hit me again officer...

Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."

I wish bedtime was all the time.

Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.

Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.

SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"

I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.