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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
If you think this status is funny someone you hate will step on a lego.
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good!
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
They say when you meet the right one you will know right away. But why does it take 3 years to know it’s the wrong one?
cuss words = sentence enhancers
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.