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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
No one is ever bored enough to start studying.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Patience Is When Playing TETRIS And U Let Those Bricks Fall On Their Own Without Speeding Them Down
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
The more photos you have to untag, the better the weekend was.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
My level of sarcasm has reached a dangerous level where even I don`t know if I`m kidding or not.
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.