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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I`m telling mom”
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
Happy Halloween… may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong!
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.