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Time heals all wounds...unless it`s infected or gangrene or something then time makes it worse.
Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Warning!! Today I will be coloring OUTSIDE the lines..
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.