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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
There`s a special place in hell reserved for the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends.
My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
Sorry, when I said I have the stamina of an NBA player in bed I meant I take 10 timeouts in the final 2 minutes.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....