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Coffee : Starter fluid for the morning impaired.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Don`t give me a sec, give me lots of secs.
Coaster? You`re assuming I plan to put my drink down...
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
My husband woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on his face. I love Sharpie markers.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Going to the skate park to watch people fall.
is not rude...I just wasn`t taught to politely pretend to be nice to people I can`t stand.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.