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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Quiet people have the loudest minds.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I can’t hang out tonight because I’m done with people for the day.
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
How do I tell a man he loves me?
Dwjxdjdhjfrjfjhrha! Sorry--you will get a more coherent status update AFTER I`ve had my coffee!
You`d think my password was "yourmom" because the computer said it was too easy.
If I ever post something on Social media sites that`s not funny or clever, That just means someone hacked my account, Just Saying!
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
"Has anybody ever seen a chicken fly? No? Good, there`s nothing wrong with ya"
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.