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I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
It would be a lot easier to drink the recommended 64oz of water a day if it was beer.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
Just bought an exercise bike today because my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won`t accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.
Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me all like, “Whoa! That was close!”
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.