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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
The word "Lovers" bums me out unless it`s between the words "Meat" and "Pizza".
This Crazy Weather Makes Me Want To Masturbate Furiously!!!
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
I want to grow my own food but I can`t find any bacon seeds.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
Not now, I`m busy bringing shame to my family on the internet.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
I give movies with 2 stars a 5 on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
You´re never too old to learn something stupid.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!