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I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, ‘Do you want to save the changes?’
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
drink beer ?? save water
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.