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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Stovetop Directions: 1.) Use microwave.
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Going on a dangerous assignment. If I don`t come back, can someone please tell my girlfriend that I always found her laugh really annoying. Thanks.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out...
Pro tip: Do not make snow angels in a dog park.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm