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...and this right here son is called pornography, and it`s why they invented the internet.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
It`s all good and well until the fecal matter impacts the electric powered air current generation device.....
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Tried to text "playa" but it changed it to "player" I must have the white iPhone.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.