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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.
If it wasn’t for caffeine I wouldn’t be a functioning member of society.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Stress from children can take 10 yrs off your life Drinking alcohol from stress can take another 10 yrs Based on my math, I died 5 yrs ago
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
When grown-ups tell kids they have a lot of energy, they really mean that they’re being annoying little bastards.
that annoying manager who thinks they are god ... you are not ... you are a douche box
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade`s gonna suck!
Balloons are so weird... "happy birthday, here`s a plastic sack of my breath"