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Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
I don`t speak Spanish, but I`m pretty sure "Dora" means "annoying"
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Sometimes I like to take a roll of duct tape and use it to cover up all the Mondays on my desk calendar.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
When people ask for my advice, I advise them not to take my advice. That really screws them up.
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
If you no longer know what day of the week it is, it’s time to get a job.