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I`m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I want a firsthand test of the "mo money, mo problems" hypothesis.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Three guys walk into a bar. Two ended up with a concussion, the other needed 4 stitches.
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
Don’t be upset that you’re single; be happy that someone isn’t ruining your life.
Just saw a commercial for weight gainer pills. Have the people with this "problem" not heard of pizza and alcohol?
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
Early reports indicate I`m gonna be drunk all weekend.
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?