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I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Thought for the day : Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
My problem is that all food is comfort food
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
I stopped watching the History Channel because it`s so outdated.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!