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Marry someone shorter than you so you can hide all the good snacks on the top shelf.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Jack The Ripper would be a great name for a fitness trainer.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
I`m no expert, but I`m pretty sure a lot of economic problems could be solved by extending the McDonald`s breakfast menu back out to 11am.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Just heard someone pronounce the H in wheel so I`m gonna need a minute
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it´s for them?
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.
My "Kiss me, I`m Irish" shirt only seems to be working on my dog.