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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
If puppies could talk I would never even want to try and make human friends ever again.
If you listen real closely to my kids arguing tonight, you`ll hear the sound of me pouring a glass of wine.
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The only thing us men clean at home is our browser history
You know when I was younger I was under the impression that quick sand was going to be a serious issue in life...
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
Note to self: Thanks for always being there.
Just because nobody complains doesn`t mean all parachutes are perfect.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords