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Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
TV needs to stop putting up those stupid “viewer discretion” warnings. My mom is sick of me calling her for clearance.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
If you want to ruin a song forever use it for your alarm.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Teacher: what comes after 69. Little Johnny: Mouthwash. Teacher: Get out!!!
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
It needs more cowbell!!
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend