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I think I`m gonna shave my legs so that there`s less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.
I just want someone who will love me for the a$$hole that I am ;)
OK. Who decided to call it "possession of marijuana" and not "joint custody"?
New Years Eve. It takes 24,367 bolts to put a car together and only 1 nut to spread it all over the road, please don`t drink and drive and become the nut
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
exercise........you mean extra fries
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
As a future ghost, I`m kinda bummed out about the dress code.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
It`s always the rednecks that know all the inner most conspiracies of the government.