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The further you push me away, the more I begin to enjoy viewing you from a distance.
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called "fun sized" should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day ... Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
During the first two weeks of January, people often resolve to lose weight, which is great for me because the line at Golden Corral is much shorter.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I love talking about nothing. It’s the only thing I know anything about.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
If stress burned calories, I’d be a super model.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...