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If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
You’re the reason I wake up everyday... Just kidding I have a job!!
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I`m making important life decisions.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
I`m a crabby a$$ bitch before my coffee ... and after
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...