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At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
You question whether you are getting old when your barber asks if your eyebrows need trimming, and you know it when he does it without asking
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
Please help control the pet population, have that special talk with your pet!
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks