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Never trust a skinny chef
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
After midnight, clowns aren`t funny.
I`m sorry, I`ll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I`m a giant.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.