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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
How much do those guys who yell in the back of rap songs make? I could totally do that.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
The best part about a vacation to England is that my wife won`t need to adjust her driving.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
I can cope with voices in my head but the voices outside my head drive me crazy
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
You win some, you lose some...unless you`re me, then you win them all.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!