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I’m going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Being rich doesn`t equal happiness but i`d rather cry in a ferrari
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
Do you ever get up in the morning and look in the mirror and say, "that can`t be right"?
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper place mats with puzzles...GAME ON!!
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends.