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If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
can be sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate, welcoming, loyal, trust-worthy, forgiving, understanding, and giving. But not to today!
Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the heck.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
If I drank, I`d have a lot funnier status updates on Facebook than I do now. Well, at least I`d think they were funnier.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
I`m not saying I`m bilingual but if you shout at me in German I`ll probably do whatever you want
Hit the popcorn button on my microwave but none has appeared yet.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
When I say "Have a nice day." Remember the f*cker on the end is silent.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.
I hate when someone asks me where I see myself 5 years from now when I don`t even remember where the hell I was 2 days ago.