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It’s silly how we spend money on clothes when naked is free.
Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Something I will never understand: Why it’s acceptable for people to be idiots but not acceptable for me to point it out.
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
Here`s how I gained 27lbs of muscle in 5 weeks: Lying.
Is it bad that "WINE" is always on my grocery list? At the top? In all caps?
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I have decided to give up procrastinating for Lent ... oh, crap.
The easiest way to distract a woman is to show her a picture of herself.
Some people are flirting with my delete & block button
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.