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I may not be the best looking, wittiest, smartest or even the most successful person. I forget where I was going with this...
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
If you check Page 4, Paragraph 16, Subsection (d), right after the section on Video Game usage, but before the Book Report Procrastination provision and the No Face Piercings, Ever Amendment , you will that see that I am, in fact, and I quote: "the boss of you."
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Dear neighbor mowing your yard this morning, I found my bagpipes for tonight.
Nothing says "I`m behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.
Relationship status: I make my own sandwiches.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Since my ear surgery I haven`t heard from my doctor. Not sure if that`s a good thing or not.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.