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Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
if money grew of trees, girls would be dating monkeys
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Single ladies, stop saying you should just give up & get a cat , if no man wants you , don`t force an innocent cat to live with you..
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
is ready to have one too many!