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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
If running away from my problems counts as exercise then yes, I work out a lot.
The black sheep always have the best stories.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
sorry but your password must contain an "uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin"
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
I wonder what happens when a doctor’s wife eats an apple a day.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
Women.Some men undermine, disrespect and consider them weak,forgeting the countless spanks they got from their mothers
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
If you`re ever worried there`s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. If no one laughs, there`s no one there