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Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
"Does this dress make me look fat?"-- Now, what I SHOULD have said was, "No, dear! You are little black dress approved!" but what came out was, "When did your bum move to the front?"
I was blown away when I realised the word " OK " is a side ways person.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it`s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.