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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
Haters gonna hate, your honor
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn`t exist?
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
A homeless guy just asked me for money, and I almost gave it to him, but then I thought... he`s just going to use it for alcohol, and then I thought... That`s what I`m going to use it for.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Trail Mix: M&Ms with obstacles