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So many rules; so little time to break them.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
Just heard about the Obamacare deadline and I`m freaking out. I have so many questions. Who is Obama?
So.. who else is sleeping naked tonight?
People should seriously stop expecting normal from me...We all know it`s never gonna happen
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
Then there was the ex-cop who started his own landscaping business. He called it Lawn Order.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.