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Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Looking back.. I think I preferred you when I didn`t know you...
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Dear Alcohol, Will you be my valentine? ?
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Wanna ruin a girl’s day? Respond to her next text with “Who is this?”
Life should be more like Hockey. If somebody pisses you off, you beat the sh!t out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.