Daily Silly Status

Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.

I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.

So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.

I’m glad people can’t see how I have them saved in my phone. Contact names like, “Don’t Answer” and “Douchebag” and “Owes me $100".

I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.

I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.

I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)

What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.

I am sorry I wasn`t being completely honest when I said I was normal.

Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.