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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Let me be honest, I dont even walk a mile in my own shoes.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
My neighbors listen to AC/DC at 6:00 every morning. Whether they like it or not...
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Days that I don’t have to care about my appearance are my favorite days.