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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I`d gladly eat raw eggs before my workout provided those eggs were inside brownie batter.
Some people wouldn`t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Any amusement you may have experienced from my past posts are in no way a guarantee of future performance.... Please initial here and sign here.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn`t amused when I said, "I don`t think it`s working"
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I want to lose weight, but I don`t want to get caught up in one of those "Eat right and exercise" scams.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.