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Before the internet I used to like people.
That awkward moment when im in the Airport, I walk through the metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off
Note to self: It`s time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult. Self to Note: Shut the f*ck up.
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
When I come home 4 the holidays I throw $40 on the table & say "Look we`re keeping the thermostat at 75, and we`re turning on some lights."
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Mary had a little lamb,,the midwife fainted
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
If you could have one super power would you pick flying, invisibility, or falling asleep without questioning every decision you`ve ever made
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
When my kid grows up they`re not aloud to date until they`re married.
Posting inspirational quotes online is the first sign to depression.
Plumber: you have hard water. Me: you mean like ice?