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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
Relationships are like batteries, they have a positive & a negative side. And you end up whacking your remote instead of changing them.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig ? The letter F ?
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
There are times, when I actually am hungry like the wolf. But thanks to Duran Duran I can`t tell anyone without sound like a complete f*cking idiot
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!