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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
I`m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
The lady next to me in the elevator told me to press One. That was the last thing I remembered
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Sometimes I drive between lanes and pretend my car is Pacman gobbling up the dashed lines.
I sent off for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested it would be in my best interest that I just start over.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson