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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k ... I don`t think I can run that far
Friends are like snowflakes.... if you pee on them they disappear.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
Bowling is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
My neighbors complained that I never mow my lawn. So I started mowing. The cops showed up at 3 a.m.. These neighbors are never happy...
I`ve never done any mistake twice... three, four times may be!
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
Requesting a table in the “Hot Waitress” section should be socially acceptable.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.