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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
It is only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without violence
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Remember when AT&T told you to "reach out and touch someone" and you ended up with that restraining order? ... Good times!
I once overdosed on Viagra. My wife took it really hard.
B!tch, I will slap you by accident on purpose.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I will pay good money to anyone who can take me from work, make it look like an abduction and tuck me back into bed.
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.