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Never look back. That’s where all the monsters are.
is in that awkward phase of the day between never drinking again and noon.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
Light beer and turkey bacon probably won`t kill you but why take the chance??
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"