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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
I’m no Dr. Phil, but I bet if you tell at least 5 people to f*ck off today, you’ll feel better.
I hope when the machines take over the world they start by fixing my cable.
My favorite holiday spirit is poured over ice.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
It takes about 2.9 seconds for me to go from “this is the best day ever” to “I want to stab every person on planet Earth.”