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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don`t know me if they think one tiny cheese drawer and two giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
All I`m saying is if I`m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Just a word of advice for all you single guys having a hard time out there, Forget the clubs, forget the churches, forget the online dating sites, as the best places to meet single women are the freezer section and down the cat food isle.....
I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Pocketwatches were replaced by wristwatches, which became digitalwatches, which were replaced by mobile phones. Which we keep in our pockets
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?