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Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
A guy at work calls me "Partner" and another guy calls me "Chief". Apparently we`re playing Cowboys and Indians and I`m a double agent.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
Which one of you is Moderation? I keep getting told we need to drink together.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Apparently, you shouldn’t ask your wife if she’s off her meds more than once a week…
Don’t compare yourself to others, that’s when you start to lose confidence in yourself.
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.