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What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia and you`ll see a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
In my defense, it was a fantastic idea at 3am...
Does anyone have plans to stare at their phones somewhere exciting this weekend?
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
I love Costco. You don`t go there thinking you`re gonna buy a 12-pack of watermelons but you`ll probably leave with one.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.