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Got a problem with me? I’m pretty sure a status on Facebook won’t fix it.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Dear vegetarians, thanks for saving all the good food for us.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.
Thursday doesn`t even count as a day, it`s just the thing that`s blocking friday.
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.