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I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Iām late for a disappointment.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
Is it wrong to drop off drunks at houses that aren`t theirs?
Marriage: an expensive way to get your laundry done for free..
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
No thanks, cardio, this pot of coffee will get my heart rate up just fine
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if Iām not sure what it means
I don`t understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion.