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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
I miss that feeling you`d get at the video store when you discovered the movie you wanted to rent was available.
Relax, we`re all crazy. It`s not a competition.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water today. It’s obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola.
I legitimately thought I was having a pretty productive day until I realized my phone is set to west coast time and I`m in New York.
Bulimia: Twice the taste. Zero Calories.
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.