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Lets face it we have all tried to get something done before the microwave timer goes off.
The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I`m gonna get the government involved so you can`t leave.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I never talk to myself......But I do have some candid conversations with the other personalities!
"Who`s this clown?" - every guy about every other guy who is in a photo with a girl we like
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it`s written in english.
Trying to achieve the perfect erection. How hard could it be?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said "No, thank you"
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
My wife wrote an email to me saying she was concerned that we have communications issues. I immediately sent an IM asking her to clarify. She messaged me on Facebook saying not to worry but that sometimes we’re not as connected as she’d like. I tweeted her that I love her more than anything. She texted me that she loves me too and sent me a poem on Pinterest explaining how tired she was after a long day of work leading to her email. So I leaned over and kissed her good night.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.