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If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Two years ago I became a proud parent. My kid is 6, but they were kind of a pain those first four years.
You should get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep... 9 if you`re an ugly bitch...
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
I`m going to stand outside. So if anyone asks, I am outstanding.
Tried to borrow some bread from my Indian neighbour, but he said he had naan....
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.