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I’m in my dentist’s waiting room practicing my lies about flossing.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.