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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
I bought a $300 dollar tent so I can camp outside Best Buy for 3 days to save $20 on a TV.
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.
Some people are training as complainers like it is a competitive sport
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
I finally quit eating pizza for good, now I only eat pizza for evil.
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.