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I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don`t have to hear what she`s talking about.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
It`s hard to take life serious once you realize people jamming their genitals in each others mouths is considered a sign of affection.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
Guys I can`t be leave I`m sharing this with you, but I saw my self on TV. After I turned it off.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!