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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better. Well…for me anyway.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I`d like to give a special thanks to my feet for supporting me and to my arms for being by my side at all times.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
This dishwasher sucks. It`s already ruined three of my paper plates.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
Trust me... You don`t want my undivided attention.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
“Is it food time yet?” = The summarization of most of my thoughts.