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It was love at first sight...I should have looked twice.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
I`m an optimist. I didn`t lose a sock in the dryer. I found an extra one!
Never trust a married guys opinion of who`s hot. It`s like asking a starving guy what food tastes good.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
The first sign of laziness:
I finally found a simple and easy way to deal with my weight problem. I threw my scale out.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I have a black belt in leather
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Please God cure my hangover and I promise I will never drink again, also please forgive me in advance for lying about never drinking again.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.