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Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Are headaches the result of time spent with woman or is it purely a coincidence?
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
Christmas tip: Wrap empty boxes and put them under the tree. Everytime your child acts up, throw one in the fireplace.
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
"My name will live forever!" - Anonymous.
If you’re a millionaire and you don’t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool then you should just give me all of your money because you’re wasting it
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
I sure could help a lot of needy people if I won the big Powerball draw. Mainly sales people needing a commission, but still...