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Let´s drink tequila till you don´t remember what I suggest next..
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
Party like you will never be invited to another!
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I`ve made up my mind, I`m not giving up anything for Lent, I`m no quitter...
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
It really pisses me off when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.