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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.