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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I`ve tried several times, but I can`t pet a cat without plotting world domination.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I don’t mind going to work. It’s that eight-hour wait to go home that bugs me.
Thanks, autocorrect. I`m sure she`s dying to know about my huge peninsula.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I`m smiling, that alone should scare you.
*Opens box of cereal* We’ve updated our Privacy Policy
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
When it comes to speaking Spanish I know the essentials. "Taco, nacho, burrito, cheeto, frito & no comprendo."
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.