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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I carry a knife, but it’s just in case of cake.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
When googling something, I always use Caps Lock so that the people from Google know it`s urgent.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I need a fixed income. Mine is broken.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.
Before I stalk someone, I follow them around for a while...Cause you know, what if they`re not worth it?
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!