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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
No one can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it ;)
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
“People will believe anything if you whisper it.”
Now working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the first.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
Porn is a lot like yoga pants. Not everybody should be in them.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
That awkward moment when you type your password where you should`ve typed your email, and your friend`s standing right there -___-
If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari