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You make me want to be a better class of psycho.
Since there’s only one of me, does that make me an endangered species?
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
It`s great how you have legs that can take you away from a conversation when you don`t feel like listening to people anymore
"are you as bored as I am?" if you read that backwards, it still makes sense.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
I can`t believe we made a movie that is essentially giving the apes a blueprint on how to take over the Earth.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
How much time has to pass before grave robbing is considered archaeology?
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
I’ve spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn’t rhyme with good.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.