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"Waiter, I`d like to send this back" -m`am, I believe that`s your husband.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
Where 5 minutes becomes 5 hours. Facebook.
What if dreams are just glimpses of alternate universes?
How come phones only get lost when they are on silent?
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Being a camera must be pretty cool. You get to sleep until there`s something cool to see.
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
No, PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on facebook.