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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo? Who has hair on their shoulders? Who`s shampooing their shoulder hair? ... please come forward.
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
I put the b!tch in the kitchen.~ last thing I remember saying before I woke up in the hospital.
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
I`m only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
I`ve never heard an alarm going off on a car worth stealing.
You can`t run from your problems. unless your fat.
STD`s aren`t like pokémon, your not suppose to catch`em all!