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Sorry that offended you, I really didn’t think you’d get it.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
I am the bestest at the English language...
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
Last person to like this wins a prize.
My nickname at work is "HR wants to see you"
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.