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I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
I`ve been starting my diet tomorrow for the last 20 years.
Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
The reason good men are hard to find is because they`re usually too busy working.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store clerk asked to come back soon?
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I`m at the age where if someone says "Go big or go home," I`m usually fine with going home.
If you expect the world to be fair with you because you are fair with them....its like expecting a lion not to eat you because you don`t eat lion.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.