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When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
The problem with frozen yogurt is that it`s not ice cream.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Childless people wondering what it`s like to have some kiddos? Make a lovely healthy breakfast. Take it and throw it all over the floor.
Are you one of those people that get hurt from things posted on Facebook? You can easily avoid that by keeping your a$$ off of Facebook.
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
Whoever said you can`t "like" your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
The problem with you is ... you exist.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
There`s no way that whatever mothballs prevent is worse than the smell of mothballs.
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.