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If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Silence is Golden, but telling some people to go f*ck themselves is PRICELESS...!
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
Hoping that Steve Harvey isn`t the one announcing the winning Powerball numbers tonight!