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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Let`s be honest, we all have someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a pan.
Don`t forget, If anyone asks we are a normal family.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Mondays are middle finger approved
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?