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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
My internet went down for about 5 minutes earlier....so I talked to my family.....they seem like nice people!
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
I just awesomed all over the place.
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Never look at your beer as half-empty. Look at it as you’re halfway to your next beer.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but i turned myself around and THAT`S what it`s all about