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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Whenever I hear the phrase `anything is possible`, I giggle and think about someone trying to slam a revolving door :)
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Good morning my friends ... Wait a minute ... What the f*ck am I doing up this early.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
Is it the S or the C that`s silent in scent?
I like to walk by a chick in slow motion so she thinks i`m the one