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I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Sometimes it’s funnier when you DON’T add “lol” at the end. lol
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it`s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man it`s $3.95 per minute.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
It`s fun to chant "Bloody Mary" three times into your car`s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
Here`s an idea...Duck Dynasty Chia Pets
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.