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I’m cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” is a swear word.
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
I did not steal your drink. You abandoned it and I rescued it.
Respect your parents, they pay for your internet.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
When I`m cleaning my room, 1% cleaning 29% moaning 70% playing with stuff I just found.
"This is groundbreaking stuff." - Inventor of the shovel
Well another funny thing about this status is, by the time your done reading this, you realize it talks about absolutely nothing and you just wasted your time. Welcome to Facebook.
Why is it called `after dark`, when it is really after light