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I hate it when a website greets me with a pop-up window. It just feels like you should say hi first, maybe buy me a drink.
Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Ladies first. Because it might be dangerous.
Cubs fans, you need to wait 107 more years. But don`t worry, 2124 will be here before you know it!
Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they`d lock us up?
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 forms
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.