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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
I want a doorbell that makes the sound of someone knocking on the door.
What`s the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller" ?
I only accept apologies in cash.
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
My only argument with using the treadmill, is that I can`t run away from my farts.
the only correct answer to are u ticklish? is i have explosive diareha right now
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?