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That mini heart attack you get when the parked car next to you moves and you think you’re moving.
If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Someone told me that I seemed a little more classy than usual. The only thing I can think of is they somehow found out I used a Target bag instead of one from Wal Mart to line my bathroom`s wastepaper basket.
Doing some caroling! All by myself. In people`s backyards. In the bushes. Very little singing. Mostly watching. -Bfanch
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
It is literally impossible to prove that Harry Potter wasn`t just in his parents basement on acid the whole time
Still don`t understand why you can`t end a company-wide email with, `Later b*tches.`
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
You look like I need another drink
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
What was that idiot thinking when he invented white underwear?