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Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
You know you`re old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
I`m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
We played a lot of "Keep The Balloon In The Air" as kids, a game known to most other people as being poor.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.