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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don`t like almonds, I like salt.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Nothing good has ever come from answering a call from a blocked phone number.
´s status message is better than yours
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
I’m the king of balancing more trash on top of an already full trash can.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
"Hello 911?" "Someone just stole my status on Facebook... yes, I`ll hold."
Me: You`re the prettiest girl I`ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you`re smart too, I like that.
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!