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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
I love slip on shoes because you can slip them off just as easy to hit stupid people with them.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
Nothing says `I dont take you seriously` like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I`m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
The only thing actually impossible in life is taking a picture for a group of women and having ALL of them like it.
I`m afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Just seen this girl walk into a lamp post! I could have stopped her but that wouldn`t have been funny would it
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.