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When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don`t tell them you need it by a certain date.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
people say i talk in my sleeep , but no one at work seems to notice
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Yes, I used to "dance like no one is watching"; at least until Google Earth sent me a certificate for ten free lessons.
Ladies: If he’s right handed, and you find the mouse to the left of the computer monitor, there is only one explanation. Sorry Guys.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.