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ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
I often wondered what it`d be like to be married to an idiot. I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while...
It’s not really drinking alone if the dog is home ... right?
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
Everything is a boomerang if you throw it upwards.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!
I just slid off the couch and lay on the floor for a while and eventually sat up without using my hands, is that a yoga class?