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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
I checked my calendar, and I won`t give a f*ck tomorrow either.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.