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7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10.
take me drunk i`m home
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Sometimes I take a bath because it’s hard to drink wine in the shower.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
We can land a rover on an asteroid, but they can`t make a can of shaving cream that doesn`t spill 1/10th of it`s contents after every use.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.