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The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
At a four way stop, it`s obvious that the vehicle bearing the most duct tape goes first.
Cubic Zirconium`s slogan should be: Guys can fake it too!
Missed Connection: You were standing at the RedBox. I was in my car self pleasuring. I accidentally honked like 8 times.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
Very excited to announce I`m on the market and actively looking for someone new to make me miserable
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I`m an accident looking for a place to happen!
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
Sometimes I really think I have my life together...and then I realize my underwear is on inside-out.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.