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If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
I put ALL my eggs in one basket at the grocery store.... Today..!!
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
Drinking coffee is a fun way to become dependent on paying money to wake up.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
I don`t get why people say "They were busting their ass"? Wasn`t it already cracked to begin with?
What`s with this `running with scissors` bullsh!t? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks