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I`m getting a mistletoe tramp stamp.
I don`t mind that my wife goes out to play bingo every night. It`s the coming back home part that bothers me.
I wanna be skinny but I also want to have pizza for breakfast lunch and dinner, you feel me?
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon.... I think I am going to be pretty good at it.
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
I learn something new every day that I didn`t want to know.
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
loves poetry, long walks and poking dead things with a stick.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
How many times do I have to say "excuse me" before "get the f*ck out of my way" becomes acceptable?
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.