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I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call……
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
My mother said, "You won`t amount to anything because you procrastinate." I said, "Oh ya.....Just you wait."
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If you start smacking people with your wife`s purse she won`t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.