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I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
Divorce is expensive because its worth it.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
"Sleeping on the couch" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
exercise........you mean extra fries
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot. I didn`t even know I had a wife.
I believe in the silver rule of life: Do unto others then run!
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, Knock over a lamp, and kill a cat.
The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Most days I think I understand women, but then the alcohol wears off.