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Reality is for those who can`t handle alcohol
I was so disturbed by hearing about all the people using marijuana today that I almost dropped my deep-fried Snickers bar into my 48oz Coke.
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
The color 9 is my favorite letter.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Why is it never opportunity that`s knocking? Instead, it`s usually cops with a warrant...
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I refuse to take a single bite of my food until I find something good on TV.