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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
A man walks into a bar & orders a beer. He drinks it, looks in his pocket & orders another. This happens 7 more times. Bartender asks, "What`s in your pocket?" Man says, "I have a photo of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I`ll go home."
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
I don’t have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve.
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.
I just got pulled over by the US Border Patrol. The agent comes up to my window and says, "Papers?" I said, "Scizzors!! I win!!!." And drove off. Apparently the US Border Patrol didn`t think Paper beat Scizzors. Sore Losers!!
What`s wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren`t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!