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Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Ever get out of the shower and not remember getting a towel ready but its there anyway? You`re welcome.
If I gave you a penny for your thoughts I`d totally be expecting some change back.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
if drinking destroys your memory .... what does drinking do ?
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.