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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
Sarcasm, I put that sh!t on everything
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
Pac-Man taught me that you can eat ghosts if you take enough pills.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my debit card goes through.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
"Are you completely sure this isn`t textable?" - the perfect voicemail prompt
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet