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my ex girlfriends started they`re own website they call it two faced book...
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.
I got this new calorie counting app ... Every day I go for a new high score ... Winning!
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I`d say it`s been a success.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Sarcasm is a dominant gene in my family.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.