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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
What idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Separating the men from the boys, one mood swing at a time.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
Does the Lego movie come with a disclaimer "Some assembly required"?
It`s damn funny when a wife think`s she`s punishing her husband by not talking to him for days..
Starbucks isn`t really that expensive compared to how much Victoria`s Secret charges per cup.