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I just gave my ex a big hug which can only mean one thing. That`s right I have the flu and I love sharing.
No I don`t think you`re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking
I don`t have any "driving the speed limit" music.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Just used the "f word" over on FB so I`m waiting for the villagers with their torches, axes, whatever those people use.
Is it just me, or do mirrors look really sexy?
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
You had me at "I hate that b!tch too".
A dozen roses: $12, a box of chocolates: $10, a Happy Valentines Day card: $2, still having $24 dollars because you`re single: priceless!
Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
Condoms prevent minivans.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"