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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
That awkward moment when you run into someone and there`s no where to hide
If by "help you cook" you mean drink wine in the kitchen while you do the work, then yes, I`d love to help you cook.
There 492 billionaires in the United States, and not one of those goddamned losers has decided to become Batman.
I don`t see the point of sex if the neighbours don`t hear it.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
What’s the answer to this question?
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
If ignorance is bliss then there`s a crap load of people in paradise
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
hilarious
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."