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Being an adult is mainly drinking coffee and pretending to be productive.
If there is no chocolate in heaven...I AM NOT GOING!
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
What thinks the unthinkable? An itheberg.
Times change When I was a kid, werewolves and vampires were very scary. Now everyone wants to have sex with them
I`m really good at using the turkey baster as a sword and getting drunk and not being invited to Thanksgiving anymore.
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
If you`re looking for happiness, walk to your nearest liquor store.
Several years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"