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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
I`m sure the guy standing at the urinal next to me, regrets wearing those flip flops today.