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One thing`s for sure when I shower with my boyfriend. My titties are spotless!!
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
I really hate it when someone else creates something that I haven`t had the chance to think of first...
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
If you’re so much better than the leading brand then why are you not the leading brand?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.