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Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.
Karate is just a violent way of making people smell your feet.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
If we start calling it `potato juice`, Vodka becomes a health drink. RIGHT?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Some days should come with a warning label: This day is going to suck, bring alcohol.
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
I hope my liquor store is having an after Christmas sale!!
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.