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My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I still know what you did last summer........... cos you posted it on facebook!
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
I stopped paying my car payments to concentrate on my dream of appearing on a Repo show.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I don`t have a drinking problem. If anything, I`m TOO good at it.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
Having a pen!s is like having a friend that always wants to play.