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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Made the decision that I`m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.