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If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Couldn`t stop thinking about that drought on the west coast while I was watering my driveway today.
I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.
Strangers are like birds. If you run at them screaming and waving your arms they will run away.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I think most of my friends hang out with me to see what I’ll say next.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Of course I plan to seize the day ... Eventually.
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem
Bacon...need I say more
Boss: "Are you texting?" Me: "No, I`m Tweeting." Boss: "What`s the difference?" Me: "Texting would imply that I have friends."
The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.