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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.