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My top 5 exercises: -Jumping to conclusions -Flying off the handle -Carrying things too far -Dodging responsibilities -Pushing my luck
βIf you canβt handle me at my worst, then you donβt deserve me at my bestβ literally translates to βIβm a loud, sloppy drunk.β
People tend to get angry when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year lowβ¦Well, sure, itβs hard to steal a car when the ownerβs living in itβ¦
I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
If thereβs one thing that Iβve learned itβs, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
Somewhere in the world right now, somebody is buying a house based on its potential for great bathroom selfies.
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.